i don't want to take something with me. i >> stephen: tonight, a new herman cain ad goes viral. and rick perry wants to vaccinate twelve year old girls against it. [ laughter ] plus, occupy wall street gets a corporate backer. pff. i was totally into them before they sold out. [ laughter ] and my guest susan saladoff has a new documentary about

frivolous lawsuits. if anybody asks, that starbucks coffee par-boiled my nut-sack. [ laughter ] gaddafi will be buried in a secret location that no one can find. maybe that's where he should have hidden. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause]

[crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] and if there are any russian immigrants in the audience i'd like to say a big [speaking russian] [ laughter ] nation, you know i'm a huge fan of apple. i'm always the first to have the iphone, the ipad, the iv. [ laughter ] it drips the internet right into your arm. it's cool. you'll hear about it in six months. [ laughter ] so of course, i was first in line to buy the big new steve

jobs biography that came out just yesterday. but now that i have it, and i mean this as no disrespect to mr. jobs, it is a huge disappointment. look. [ laughter ] nothing. nothing. nothing. you turn it upside down, it doesn't re-orient. it just stays -- i can't even find where i put my headphones in. tell me about steve jobs. where is the nearest church or camera store? nothing! thanks, at&t. [ laughter ] you know what? i'll just wait for the next version. i hear it's going to have a

revolutionary soft cover. [ laughter ] folks, this political season, like many americans i've been swept up by a category 5 hurrmancain. [ laughter ] he's the washington outsider who's not afraid to say the things the nation needs to hear and then can't believe it just heard. things like "let's electrocute mexicans" or "i'm leading in the polls." [ laughter ] and the latest cbs/new york times/taco bell poll has cain at 25% beating mitt romney at 21%. why? well, a lot of theories out there. some say it's cain's business

experience, some say it's his simplified tax plan, some say it's just that he's not mitt romney. [ laughter ] others point to the fact that mitt romney is mitt romney. [ laughter ] whatever the reason, cain's a rebel whose campaign has captured america's heart, and now he's released another ad that does not play by the rules. >> mark block here, since january i've had the privilege of being chief of staff to herman cain. we've run a campaign like no body's ever seen. but then again, america's never seen a candidate like herman cain. we need you to get involved. because together we can do this, we can take this country back. ♪ i am america

♪ one voice united we stand ♪ i am america ♪ one voice [cheers and applause] >> stephen: wow, something about that guy just seems cool. [ laughter ] [coughing] i can't put my finger on it though. [ laughter ] of course, the bed wetters in the nerd patrol don't get it. >> it means disaster. i don't understand this at all.

i don't understand why the campaign manager is in a commercial. i don't understand the cigarette. i don't understand the music. i don't the understand the logic behind this. this makes no sense whatsoever. you talk about shooting yourself in the foot. >> stephen: that's stupid, he's not shooting himself in the foot. he's shooting himself in the lungs. [ laughter ] this is sending the strong message that herman cain doesn't just want to be president of the united states, he wants to be the president of flavor country. [ laughter ] but fox news host and alfred hitchcock love interest megyn kelly proved she gets it when she talked to the guy in the ad. >> were you trying to appeal to folks who are out there living real lives-- working the farm, working in detroit, that kind of thing-- as opposed to the east and west coast elite, people in media circles who shun smoking

and sort of real american things? >> stephen: yes, there's nothing more real american than smoking cigarettes, the carcinogen of real americans like john wayne, humphrey bogart, and the marlboro man. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter ] that can't be go. -- that can't be good. lock the doors. tragedy today at the colbert report. [ laughter ] well, i was so inspired by the way herman cain's ad sticks it to the east and west coast

elites that i've made some cain ads of mine own -- yes, mine own -- [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] i think -- [ laughter ] -- i think the nicotine has paralyzed my tongue. i was so impressed that i made ads of my own. ♪ >> mike kilpatrick here and it'sibly privilege to be chief strategist for the campaign. i believe herman cain is the man to restore america's greatness.

won't you join me? ♪ i am america, one voice [cheers and applause] >> hi, i'm deborah ulrich, i'm herman cain's personal assistant. no one has ever had a vision for america like herman cain. we hope you share our vision. [ laughter ] ♪ i am america one voice iew nighted we stand ♪ ♪ i am america >> i'm tim romano, i do herman cain's taxes ♪ ♪ i am america

♪ one voice united we stand ♪ i am america [cheers and applause] >> stephen: powerful stuff. powerful stuff. but folks, the best part of cain's ad might not even be the unexpected smoking. no, the best part is the 8 seconds it takes for herman cain to smile. [ laughter ] oh, yeah. and i can understand why he's smiling. i mean listeto that song he's rocking to. jimmy, give us another taste. [singing "i am america"]

ha, i am america. where i have heard that before? on the cover of my #1 best-selling book: " i am america and so can you." [cheers and applause] well, hermie, i'm flattered, because clearly cain is basing a lot of his campaign on my book. in that his campaign is mostly about selling his book. but herman, i know it says "and so can you" but you can't just say you're america and so can you, too. [ laughter ] you have to come on my show. you have cancelled on me twice, sir. i'm offering you the colbert bump, but you're gonna get the colbert dump, unless you come on my show, answer my questions and accept my challenge of a slow smile contest.

[ laughter ] [cheers and applause]xgj here's a little taste. [ laughter ] go. ♪ i am america ♪ one voice united we stand ♪ i am america ♪ one voice -- [cheers and applause] ♪ ohhhhh, yeah... we'll be right back. ♪ [ laughter ] ♪

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] thank you. folks, it's no secret that i furiously oppose occupy wall street. if you really want to affect economic change, kids, do it the old-fashioned way-- get off your ass and get a job at goldman sachs and then get hired by the u.s. treasury. it's that sim. [ laughter ]

[cheers and applause] yeah! give it up for goldman sachs. lloyd is a friend. but what really bundles my anger and short-sells my rage is the latest supporters of these bottom 99-percenters. jim? >> the group has its first show of corporate support. ben and jerry's is backing the protests. >> ben and jerry's is posting a message to protesters on their website saying, we stand with you. >> we support this call to action and are honored to join you in this call to take back our nation and democracy. >> stephen: what? ben and jerry, how could you support these lefty protesters? what's next, supporting gay marriage just because your hubby's got a chubby for a chunky monkey? [ laughter ]

this endorsement implies that i support this protest, because of my ben & jerry's flavor ameri-cone dream. [cheers and applause] no way! my flavor is 100% pro-business. eating it is the perfect way to increase your bottom line. as well as your belly line and the area-formerly-known-as-chin line. [ laughter ] -1- how dare you lump me in with the rest of your anti-corporate socialist flavors like willie nelson's country peach cobbler. phish food, and karamel marx. [ laughter ] not to mention the flavor of my former best friend for six months and current enemy, jimmy fallon's late night snack. [ laughter ] salty caramel swirl, fudge-covered potato chip clusters? it's clearly anti-business since the ingredients read like what

an unemployed person finds when dumpster diving. [ laughter ] this is horrible, but at least i know that my ice cream is still the #1 best selling ben and jerry's flavor. >> the big issue everyone is talking about: is it outselling stephen colbert's ice cream? >> you know, the flavor is doing really, really well-- but the short answer is yes it's outselling stephen's ice cream. >> yeah, that's right. really, is it? that is so[audience boos] >> stephen: i'm so depressed. [ laughter ]

i'm fat. [ laughter ] how could this have happened?!? in hindsight, maybe devoting an entire show to the launch of jimmy's ice-cream was a mistake. but it still doesn't make sense. my flavor is everywhere. it's one of only three flavors available in pints, quarts, minicups and scoop shops. [ laughter ] folks, i smell a rat. rat, by the way, also one of the ingredients in jimmy fallon's ice cream. [ laughter ] there has to be an explanation for this. jerry? >> i don't think he's out there flogging his flavor the way you're flogging your flavor. if he was out there flogging his flavor, he'd be pumping up sales. >> stephen: what? hey, i flog my flavor all the time! [ laughter ] not as much as back in college,

but believe me, i can still pump my sales. latch laugh. [ laughter ] nation, we must regain our place atop the ice cream mountain. i want everyone in the colbert nation to make americone dream their treat of choice. bring it to parties, eat it on your birthday, give it out at halloween. [ laughter ] i don't even care if you eat it. use it to grease door hinges, or spackle walls. or as a refreshing deodorant. [ laughter ] and yes, all my ice cream's proceeds go to charity, but to hell with the needy. i am doing this to kick jimmy falon's ass.

[cheers and applause] by the way, fallon's ass? also in his ice cream. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers an]

>> stephen: thank you very much. my guest tonight is a former attorney and director of "hot coffee," a documentary about frivolous lawsuits. i'm willing to settle this interview out of studio for five million dollars. please welcome susan saladoff! [cheers and applause]

hay, ms. saladoff nice to meet you. let's get down to the nitty gritty you are a former plaintiff's attorney? i am. >> who made a documentary available on hbo go and dvd november 1. it's talking about frivolous lawsuits. >> it's talking about the myth of a frivolous lawsuit. >> stephen: there are frivolous lawsuits go ahead. >> what injure definition. it's never your case that is frivolous. >> stephen: i'm a reasonable guy. how about the judge who sued for $65 million because a dry cleaner lost his pants is that frivolous. >>? that one might be frivolous, yeah. >> stephen: thank you for coming by. susan, everybody. we'll be right back. >> the thing about that he

didn't find a lawyer. was a lawyer and represented himself. he wouldn't find a lawyer to represent him stoonchts we need to make lawyers illegal. >> the system works. if you file a case that is not meritorious. a judge is going to three it out or you'll get find. there are 12 people sitting on a jury. they are not going to give you money for a frivolous lawsuit and even if he they were, the judges can reduce it. there are very few frif lus lawsuits. there's a myth about that >> stephen: it's a big myth. what a tort? >> it's interesting. the candidates are talking about

tort reform when most people don't know what it means. a tort say civil harm. when someone is hurt and you can bring a case in the civil court that is called a tort where they can get damageses for what happened to them. >> stephen: and what is reform? >> well, yeah. so most people think reform is a good thing. >> stephen: it is a good thing. >> until it happens to you until you realize something bad happens to you or a family member and you don't have access to the courts anymore and you can't hold a wrongdoer accountable, then you realize it's good for corporations and those who make products that harm us but not good for average citizens. >> stephen: let's talk about the famous case that gives you the title of documentary here. hot coffee.

the old lady who ordered a hot coffee from mcdonalds, right? then she goes out to her car and decides to do doughnuts on the grass? and pours the coffee on the lap and siewz. >> that case has been cited as sort of poster child for what is wrong with the civil justice system. most people have the facts completely wrong. when they see the film hot coffee they realize they've been manipulated by the media and corporate america to believe that the system is brecken. >> stephen: why isn't that a crazy suit. coffee is hot. >> when you spill coffee on yourself we don't expect need surgery and grafting because the coffee was so hot and mcdonalds knew no one could

drink it at that temperare it would cause third degree burns. mrs. leebeck, by the way, 79 years old, never brought a lawsuit a day in her life. all she wanted was the difference between when her medical bills were and what medicare paid. mcdonalds offered $800 and never another penny. she went toll trial. the verdict, it was two days of coffee sales of mcdonalds and then the judge reduced it and they wound up settling for a smaller amount but nobody knows that because she was subject to a gag order but mcdonalds wasn't. >> stephen: why could they talk about it? >> when you set the cases? the person who is injured and

received money they are silent but the corporations they are not. they put out this message over and over again about how they are thereare crazy lawsuits because they want people to think that the system is broken because if people think the system is broken, then they are willing to reform it or change it which only gives corporations more money. >> stephen: corporations need the money because they are job creators. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> stephen: thank you. how can corporations be put on trial because isn't a trial supposed to have a jury of your spears? >> yeah. >> stephen: then a corporation would need 12 other dorp races judging them. mcdonalds has to be judged by jack in the box and burger and pizza hut. >> you know what is interesting about the jury our peers?

the 7th amendment to the constitution is trial by jury. nobody every remembers the 7th amendment they remember the 2nd amendment but it's a constitutional right to have trial by jury. that right is taken away from us by tax on damages, by these arbitration clauses, by all of this so-call tort reform which is -- should be called tort deform. it's not good for anybody. it takes away constitutional rights. what we need is to take back our rights and have access to the courts so that we can hold wrongdoughers accountable. [cheers and applause] -- wrong doers accountable.

>> stephen: thank for joining us. the dvd ho [cheers and applause]

>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. [cheers an